BY TYLER SORENSEN
Let me explain something to you. Sports are stupid. Really stupid. Seriously, I don’t know why you guys like them so much. Like I said, they’re dumb.
Now before you stop reading, wait till I’m done. I haven’t even told you why sports are so stupid yet.
Listen, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve played sports. I’ve played pretty much every kind of sport there is. Team sports, non-team sports I’ve played them. If there’s a sport I haven’t tried, it’s probably because I just didn’t want to do it. Like soccer.
Soccer isn’t fun. I knew it wasn’t fun when I was six years old — when my parents took me to some indoor workshop thing or whatever. Okay, so I don’t really remember it that much. All I know is, we kicked a ball back and forth across a field. That’s not fun. That’s boring. That’s why I quit after the first day. It’s not like soccer, all of the sudden, was going to turn interesting and worthwhile.
Basketball is simple. In fourth grade I played a season of it, just because. I didn’t even know the name of my position — point guard or something — because I didn’t need to. That’s how advanced I was for my age. I could double and even triple dribble around the competition.
I was so good, I didn’t even have to try, so I never did. I would miss layups totally on purpose so my teammates would have a chance to look good. Same for games. To step out of the spotlight, I would never be open for passes and secretly hope to be benched.
I did all that for the team and for what? Nothing. We lost every game, except the one that I couldn’t make it to — probably because the slackers realized they couldn’t depend on me slam dunking every point that day.
I’m also really, really good at playing baseball. You think I’m lying but what you don’t realize is that I’m not. My parents made me play for seven entire years. I don’t NOT become awesome at a sport after going from tee ball to coach pitch. I could’ve even gone pro had I felt like wasting my life — because that’s what baseball is, a waste of time.
As the best player on the team, my coach naturally put me in right field. Who else could he have relied on to stop all incoming grand slams?
Of course, everyone else sucked. I kicked more dandelions than I caught home runs — even though I was more than capable of vice versa. Hardly anyone could ever hit into the outfield, and when they did, they deliberately aimed for left field because they knew I’d catch it.
I was equally good if not ten times better when I was at the plate. My coach didn’t put me second-to-last at bat for no reason. I knew full well that I was his secret weapon — because I never bothered to swing.
It didn’t matter who was pitching. Everybody was awful at it. The fourth ball would almost always come before the third strike. And if it didn’t, the umpire was unbelievably dumb.
Baseball itself is unbelievably dumb. Really, sports are unbelievably dumb. Why should I run around bases? Why should I care if a ball goes through a hoop? Why should I go out of my way to kick anything?
It makes no sense. There’s no reason anyone should have to do any of those things. When are you ever going to dribble in real life? It’s pointless.
Sports are stupid.
To read more from this writer, view his blog at tylersorensen.blogspot.com