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NBA highbrows terminate T-Wolves


BY THADDEUS TOMS
idonthaveone@mnstate.edu

The higher-ups at the National Basketball Association league office made a huge announcement today regarding the fate of certain bottom-feeding teams.

It is offical, after years of getting poached by better basketball teams, the Timberwolves will be extinct at the end of the season.

With the worst record in the NBA (19-64), the Minnesota Timberwolves will not have a chance at the No. 1 pick of the upcoming NBA draft because at the end of the regular season the team will be dismantled and players will be let go.

“The team just doesn’t show up to play,” said NBA Commissioner David Stern. “Fans shouldn’t have to pay to watch such a horrible brand of basketball.”

Triple-double machine Kevin Love will be the only player on the Timberwolves with the ability to sign with another team.

“Kevin is one of the best young players in the league,” Stern said. “With his skills, it is a shame that they had to be wasted on a team with a lack of leadership starting with the owner and on down.”

Members of the team were looking for the chance to improve though the draft, considering the Wolves had a good chance to the first overall pick.

“We just need one year to improve and grow together,” forward Michael Beasley said. “With that one player, we could jump to the next level and be competitive.”

The commissioner disagrees and is sticking with his decision to dismantle the team upon the season’s end.

“Even with the best player in the draft, the team is garbage,” Stern said. “I just no longer think the team is NBA quality.”

Originally, the Cleveland Cavaliers were also on the chopping block but that has changed since the original announcement about the situation was released.

“At first we needed to get rid of two teams to keep everything even,” Stern said. “Now though, we are just trying to get rid of the worst team every year for the next three years after the Wolves are cut.”

Not even the Minnesota fans have a problem with the team being thrown out of the NBA.

“I love the Timberwolves, but they suck,” Minneapolis resident John James said. “I would have continued to like the T-Wolves but now I will just go back to enjoying my NASCAR, Monster Truck, tracker pull and rodeo events that come to town.”

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