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Why is it flooding? Giant ducks.

Oversized mallards block the Main Avenue bridge, causing the water to become backed up. Photo by JESUS TREESTAND / The Advocate


BY JUNIPER PENDLETON
noname@gmail.com

The now-yearly occurrence of major flooding in the Red River Valley has prompted much discussion about what is actually behind the fluvial uptick. Is it climate change? An angry God? No and no. The answer, according to top scientists, is that area ducks are getting bigger.

“We’re seeing a lot of big, boat-sized ducks flitting about on the river, and they are displacing water by the boat-sized duck-load,” said metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology scientist Millard Levy.

“When you have a fleet of 30 thousand ducks that are larger than traditionally expected cruising up and down a river the size of the Red, well, you better start sandbagging,” Levy continued.

The magnitude of these ducks begs a further question: why are they so big now? Bill Duchanon, a scientist, said it may have to do with pollution from coal plants.

“Burning coal leads to acid rain and, interestingly, radioactive waste. Add those two things together and you’ve got big ducks on your hands and a flood in your river … or something,” Duchanon said.

Not all scientists agree.

“Name one time coal has ever had a unfortunate effect on anything,” Minnie Green, a coal scientist, said.

A competing theory is that it is a result of the increasing obesity levels in animals and plants. Eugene Bestal, a scientist, believes this.

“You’re starting to see a lot of fat bears and deer and other animals, and even some pudgy crops,” Bestal said, in his white lab coat. “I’m not sure why ducks are getting bigger proportionally instead of fatter, though. I’ll have to do more tests with
beakers and test tubes and bunsen burners and stuff to figure it out.”

Not everyone agrees with Bestal, though. Eva Chordata, a scientist, is among those who question Bestal’s theory.

“There is no evidence whatsoever that animals, and for that matter plants, are getter fatter. It’s absurd,” said Chordata, “and I’ve never heard of Eugene Bestal, either. He has never published in any of the scientific research journals I have read. He’s
probably a quack.”

“Chordata’s insult is water off a duck’s back, frankly,” Bestal said. “I’m a proper scientist.”

Chordata said she isn’t sure what has made the ducks big.

“I’m befuddled, really. The scientific community really needs to get their ducks in a row here, though, because this is turning into an expensive problem for Fargo.”

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